Take Every Line I've Got
by horchatita394
Summary: There was nothing meaningless about it and that terrified him, left him shaking and running scared, needing to run faster and further to resist that miserable ache. Like vertigo, not fear of falling, panic at the inexplicable desire to let oneself fall.


Objectively, kisses were more than he'd ever thought he could hope for. Real kisses with a different force and touches that ran under the skin and whimpers that turned into moans, not screams.

Objectively kisses were overwhelming enough to be going on with anything else. When he'd once thought a kiss was out of his reach, something for kinder, better people, getting ahead of himself now that he had that seemed stupidly greedy.

But that was objectivism. Objectivism and Sebastian's mouth on his neck didn't exactly work well together. In fact the only thing that worked well with Sebastian's lips on his skin was a complete loss of coherent thought. He couldn't be blamed then, when he found it hard to be objective at the loss of contact.

It was hard to piece together how Sebastian had gotten from the couch to the doorway. It wasn't really computable to understand why Sebastian, really Sebastian of all people, would look so concerned and overwhelmed by the idea of them getting carried away.

He cleared his throat and tried not to sound as dumbfounded as he felt, "What's wrong?"

Sebastian stood without answering, looking obnoxiously hot with his face flushed and his hair out of place.

"Seb… did I do …"

"No!" He shook his head as if he were trying to shake the thoughts right out of it, "No. You're fine. I gotta go."

Objectively he should be happy with what he got, happy to be alive and have friends and a not-boyfriend-but-exclusive-something-or-other to make out with and watch 80s movies and catch smiles from and try very hard not to fall in love with. But it's hard to be objective when that person looks terrified at being turned on and bolts.

His mind was in an absolute panic as he sped away from Dave's house as quickly as he could. This was wrong, this was so _so_ wrong. He knew very well he could never let this happen again and what had he done?

Of course, crap like this would happen if he went around trying to be a good person and entering ambiguous relationships. Lines got blurred and things got out of hand… things were _definitely_ getting out of hand.

Parking at the edge of a park he burst out of his car and sat on the curve. He needed air, he needed to breathe, this couldn't be happening. But just as he was drowning himself in unnecessarily deep breaths the thoughts assaulted him again, just as they had while he had before.

Dave below him, eyes closed and looking impossibly innocent even though the noises he was making had to qualify as obscene with the way they made Sebastian feel, and still… it was different.

It was different from the lust of hand jobs in parking lots and the press of strange bodies on the dance floor. It wasn't the anonymous and meaningless lust he'd grown so accustomed to.

There was nothing meaningless about it and that terrified him, left him shaking and running scared, needing to run faster and further to resist that miserable ache. Like vertigo, not fear of falling, panic at the inexplicable desire to let oneself fall.

Kurt kept looking at him like he wanted to hug him or give him a pat on the head and sigh and it was incredibly annoying. Kurt pitying him in general was incredibly annoying and he did a lot of it lately. He went as far as to elbow Blaine into inviting him to the movies with them, which sounded about a thousand times worse than his original plan to watch TV for the entire night and not think about Sebastian.

He just shook his head and started towards his car, "I'll see you guys Monday, alright?"

He didn't check the text he heard beep in until he got home. It wasn't that Blaine never texted him, but it was usually because Kurt wanted to tell him something and couldn't type because he was neck deep in fabric or whatever.

**Anderson: **_**Just talk to him, Sebastian is weird when he's trying to be nice.**_

These people were honestly idiots. What was he going to say? _Hey I notice you don't seem interested in having sex with me, why would that be?_

Beside the fact that he didn't even know if he felt ready to go there with anyone, he wasn't really up for whatever perfectly logical reasons Sebastian had. Even if he felt bad about being an asshole, it didn't make the things he said untrue. He was huge, especially in comparison to Sebastian. He didn't know how to dress properly and besides he had no idea what he was doing.

Better to let it go. Better to be grateful for whatever it had been and smother the nausea of having screwed this up.

What the hell was he doing here, "Hello, Mr. Karofsky."

The man looked slightly surprised, "Sebastian, I haven't seen you in a few days."

No, of course you haven't my good man, I shouldn't be here at all, "I had a busy few days, is Dave home?"

"Yeah he's in the den," he frowned, "he's been blasting zombies all day but he won't tell me what's wrong. Maybe you can get him to talk to you."

Sebastian wore his best parent-appeasing smile and nodded as he walked down towards the noises of zombie slaying, "All of those zombies looking like me right now?"

"Some of them look like Kurt trying to make me tag along on four of his dates and counting, but most of them are you," Dave answered without missing a beat, still hunched over, shooting the undead with unnatural determination.

His tone is hushed, it isn't angry, but it tries to be. It seems impossible to Sebastian that Dave could make himself look so small, hiding in the den and very determinedly not turning to look at him. It doesn't feel like he wants Sebastian to leave, it feels like he wants to disappear into the shadows and the flashing lights of the screen.

"I should have called," is completely untrue because he should do them both a favor and stay away. But he's selfish.

"That would've been cool, yeah. But it's fine," he turned to look at him. It didn't look fine at all, "you don't have to say it. Thanks."

"Thanks?"

"For the chance," he stood, eyes searching desperately for somewhere that wasn't Sebastian's face, "I can't promise I'll get skinny and learn how to dress nicely anytime soon and you can't pretend to like me any longer so it's…"

"Pretend to like you? _PRETEND_ to like you?"

"Sebastian I'll be fine if you just…" shutting Dave up with his mouth was about the smartest thing he had done in a couple of weeks because he couldn't hear anymore of the mess he'd made.

Dave pulled away, his eyes caught between confusion and fury, "Stop it Sebastian, stop fucking toying with me. Thanks for the pity dates, I thought we … I thought you…"

"Shut up David," he growled, "just shut the fuck up and listen. I wish I were pretending to like you. Hell, I wish to God I only liked you, but I so much more than like you that it's driving me insane. You know I've been around, I'll admit it, I let Hummel judge me cause it's true, I'm a bit of a slut. I quite enjoy the part when I make out with a guy and I picture all the dirty delicious things I'm going to do to him. But you? I had you right there and I didn't want to fuck you in the back of a car or blow you in the street. All I could picture was stupid disgustingly cheesy romcom sex. All I want is to make… Jesus Christ I can't say it, it's too corny. I don't do sex and feelings and that's all I want with you and you deserve better than…"

Dave was pretty good at shutting him up too, as it turned out. This time Sebastian didn't run from the flashing images of absolutely worshiping this boy. This boy that smiled and gave him trouble breathing, that held him close and protected him from every one of his regrets. He didn't shy away from the fact that he wanted to make love to him.

"Now you listen," Dave sounded breathless, but his smile was making the killer bees in Sebastian's stomach attack (butterflies his ass), "you don't get to tell me what I deserve."

"You don't get it, I screwed up my first time and I'm going to wreck yours, and I can't…"

"I do get it. I get that you're not happy with a tons of things you've done, and you know what? I regret almost every day of the past three years, but I don't regret a minute we've been together."

Sebastian didn't like speechless, it was just another bullet point to the list of horrors that love seemed to be.

"I don't regret being with you and I'm not going to regret having my first time with you, because you're not going to hurt me. You're so fucking afraid of hurting me and all that shows me is no one is going to be as careful with me as you are. Because you…"

Sebastian found his voice, the words though, came from no where he could recognize, "Because I love you."

Dave blinked like a deer caught in headlights and then, slowly, gave him a smile that seemed to grab Sebastian's withered freaking heart and squeeze.


End file.
